I was amused. I didn't expect that question from my mom, and my amusement wasn't the question though. May be it was the time of such question. It was only a day since my sister got married. “So what kind of girl do you expect?” was her question. I threw a “What? Are you Crazy?” kind of expression on my face, and that made her look amused, as if she asked a never-to-be asked question to her son. I was too insane to just come out of the room without answering her. I didn’t know what her reaction was. I couldn’t resist myself to stay there after my condemnable act. It wasn’t like I didn’t respect or care her at that point of time. It wasn’t like I didn’t know the answer either. In fact I knew, for I did have few things in my mind. But how could I tell her all of a sudden as soon as I was shot with the question. I hopped to the terrace of my home, and sat at one corner where I used to spend the time whenever I wanted loneliness.
When I rewound her question, the other day, that black day – as I would call – came in front of me. It was some 7 years before. I was playing carom at my friend’s home. There was a fight at his home; sadly it was between his parents. I still remember the incident scene by scene for everything just unfolded before our eyes. It started as a small argument, grew big, and then even bigger. It ended only when his dad gave one big slap on his mom’s cheek. All she could do was to fall slap on the floor, weeping. Our faces were blanched in terror. His dad, who according to me was unflappable and blithe till then seemed different, and wasn’t there to see her weeping and blabbering but left home immediately. But that wasn’t enough for his mom to keep her mouth shut. I saw my friend. He was embarrassed. I didn’t know how to react, he didn’t either. We both sat staring his mom, who was at the same place still weeping and blabbering. I wasn’t interested to leave him alone.
Nothing changed for another 30 minutes except the intensity of his mom’s words. She started to berate her husband without any respect. Initially I was dismayed when I saw his dad slapping his mom and then I was even more dismayed at her words. I didn’t know why but I started to hate his mom more than his dad. I was always against the husbands who beat their wives, whatever the reason was. But at the same time I was against the wives too - who bawl out their husbands badly, when he wasn’t anywhere around them. It made me to implore that I shouldn’t get any such person as my wife for I will never beat her or disrespect her in the first place. It was the first time I actually thought about my wife. The basic criterion I had was she shouldn’t fail to show respect for me, specifically when I am not near her. It doesn’t mean I’m conventional or orthodox.
I knew if it was my expectation, there might be some for her too. I’m aware that I should respect that. I should do what I expect from her. I’m clear on that, and for sure, I’ll act accordingly. If this was one bad incident that struck a chord in me, the other was the one which took place in my family. There was an argument between my dad and mom. It wasn’t an argument in the first place, it was just a misunderstanding. Both were too immature to handle it. They didn’t speak to each other for almost two weeks. I and My sister were much worried of their behaviour. They were too insane to adjust at least for our sake. No one was ready to forfeit. Reason – as simple as this – Ego. Both weren’t ready to accept their fault, instead were ready to point out other’s fault. That our –I and my sister – attempt to make things normal failed literally. I wasn’t sure about my sister’s feelings, but I was very much demented because of them. I couldn’t concentrate on any stuff. Even when I was away from them, my mind would wander back to my home thinking that nothing bad should happen in home that day. Luckily everything fell in place after two weeks. Thanks to my dad who finally decided to forfeit. Though it was only two weeks’ of bad phase, I couldn’t take it as water under the bridge for its effect lasts in me still. As the saying goes, Ego kills friendship, I would say Ego Kills not only friendship, but all damn thing in this world.
This doesn’t conclude that the quarrels between a couple are due to this kind of misunderstanding or ego alone. As a matter of fact there is a major issue where the couple isn’t directly involved, but could possibly end up in quarrelling. It’s nothing but the clashes between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law that causes a stir in the couple’s relationship. Whom to blame – The mother-in-law for she not letting her son to be taken care of by his wife who arguably is more, if not sole, responsible person to take care of her husband or the wife for not letting her mother-in-law to move normally with her son as she once did before his marriage or sadly the guy himself for marrying in the first place.
Of course there are cases where the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law are like mom and daughter and lead a peaceful life (Not to forget that even there exist quarrels between a mom and her daughter), in other way letting the guy to live peacefully. But does that happen in most cases? Answer is straight NO. It seldom happens. I would say this issue occupies the esteemed first position in the list of the reasons for any couples to argue.
How to overcome this? When asked, one of my friend said jovially, “There are three ways –one, get married only after your mom dies or two – get married and move away from your mom or three – the most simplest way, never get married”. The guys around him laughed, though it’s not something that one can laugh at. It’s something to be looked earnestly at, for its life of not one but many.
When a mother can move freely with her daughter, and is always ready to give up anything at any cost for the sake of her daughter, why can’t a mother-in-law move freely with her daughter-in-law, and be ready to give up on at least few things, if not all, for the sake of her son and of course his wife? Is it that hard to do? God, if you exist, help us. Meanwhile what gets the daughter-in-law to restrict herself from thinking that one day she too will be a mother-in-law? Why can’t she think of the effect of her future daughter-in-law ill-treating her in a way she does to her in-law now?
Where does the problem originate? To get the answer, just do gander carefully. Have you heard of any fights between a father-in-law and his daughter-in-law or between a mother-in-law and his son-in-law or in the worst case, between a father-in-law and his son-in-law? If you did, it might have been the eighth wonder. It renders the origin is nothing but the woman herself. I do accept the fact or to be precise belief that women are inscrutable, but one thing I figured out of them is that a woman can’t adjust or share things with another woman. This sprang up the problem. I happen to listen to my colleague (of course, happens to be a woman and like most women do) quetching about her mother-in-law daily during the break hours. And appallingly the sole listener who pays attention to her is another woman for it helps her to quetch back about her mother-in-law.
I often feel they were more interested to have a fight with their respective in-law than not to have one. To my astonishment, most of the issues they sound off about are much less than the ones that can be least considered as an issue.
On thinking about these issues, one can’t ignore the most dangerous reason for the couples to break up. It’s the TRUST. As I had mentioned this is the most dangerous thing that a couple should be aware of. Once you are married, the first and foremost thing you should, once and for all, have is the TRUST on your partner. For any other thing can be shaped up later but this.
I’m not a believer of God. Having said that, I’m not a believer of the tales such as Mahabharata and Ramayana had happened in real life either. Also I have never dreamt that both should have happened in real life, but for one character. It’s Duryodhana. It may sound bizarre. But I’m more attached to him for one scene where he trusts his wife and friend.
The story goes like this - Duryodhana's wife Bhanumathi and his closest friend Karna were playing a game of dice. As the game progressed, it was evident that Karna was winning. Just then Duryodhana entered the chamber. On seeing her husband coming, she was about to stand up out of respect as was the custom in those good old days. As she was just rising, Karna, thinking that she was trying to get away from the embarrassment of certain defeat in the game, snatched the fragile mekhala. Tugged at by Karna's powerful hands, it got snapped and all the pearls and gems rolled on the floor. They were afraid that they would be misunderstood by Duryodhana. Instead of mistrusting them, as most of the present generation guys would do, he rather acted in an opposite way. This shows how much trust he had on his wife, and is more than enough to depict he was good by heart though he was the antagonist in the story.
I wish everyone (referring both men and women here) to be Duryodhana by heart, in regard to this particular character of him. If these issues are taken into consideration then the topic – Life, does it exist after marriage will itself doesn’t come into consideration. So the conclusion, I try to make, here is that there is LIFE, in fact the most beautiful part, after marriage provided if it’s handled positively. Some might argue – “BEING SINGLE IS A BLISS”, but after all, Life isn’t about bliss only.
Everyone knows no road is smooth. At some point of time, due to the continuous usage it depreciates. Same is with Life too. As time goes, Life becomes complex. Everyday will not be the same. But the affection, the love, the care, the respect, the trust has to cure the complexity and make the life road smooth, always, or at least whenever there is a chance of ups and downs to show up.
These were the few issues that made me to decide that I should meet, hash out and understand the girl completely before I marry her. In other simpler words, I decided to find someone who is of my character, almost at least, fall in love, and marry her to lead a peaceful life. That doesn’t mean that one should fall in love with someone, and marry the same person to lead a peaceful life, after all how many love books have a felicitous ending. But, somehow, sometime, for some unknown reason, I wanted to.
Result – Neha’s entry into my life. Yep, I fell for her as her character was almost as mine. Given that hers is almost of mine, I decided to give up on certain things to make it complete. Luckily one of her character that fall in that ‘almost’ category was to give up on certain things for her loved ones. This sums up why I chose her. She, though reluctant to fall in this love stuff (due to family reasons, as said by her as many would do), fell for me finally, probably on seeing my character (It’s my guess. Wanna confirm with her later).
So how will I say this to my parents? Will they take it positively, and more importantly, respond positively? How will my mom in particular, who always had mentioned that I should marry one of my cousins (Hard to choose one from four or five though), react? When I was stuck up with these thoughts, my mom’s words fell straight into my ears. Ah, her words mean – I should get down immediately. Whatever, this entire episode makes it clear that I should put up the matter to my parents soon, and give them a formal intro to their future daughter-in-law. With this thought I walked down the stairs.
