Lies

I hate to say this, but today, in long, is one of the worst days in a better way. Or I should say it’s one of the worst days in a not-so-worst way. Having said that, I know I must be happy at least for nothing happened on the far left end of the spectrum. Yeah, right. I must be. Moreover, these sorts of days make us swim stealthily in a realization phase. And that’s for good, you see.

And swimming in such phase today made me realize, for the nth time, that I wish I learn to learn things in a better way; especially when it comes to reading people. Yeah, I really mean it. How many times do I need to keep on regretting after it all had happened? Seriously. I still hanker sometimes, maybe on the days like today, that I should get an extra power from nowhere to read people, to handle them. It would help me in moving the way they want me to. I know it will eventually wane my identity out. But who cares anyway!

Last week I came to know that a friend of mine had lied – or in perfect grammatical words, have been lying – to me over some important things – that can also be considered as trivial by some, but I say important because I just took them that way, a serious way to say the least. Call it as my fault. I agree. But I was incapacitated. Totally. A mutual friend of ours explicated certain things to me during one of our everyday casual conversations. I was all but left ravaged. I was left fumbled. It even led me to an imaginary stage show where that person, in several unseen avatars, was circling me with some rapturous movements.

I have to admit that I’m not perfect. I do have faults; plenty of them. I have lied to people, both known and unknown, but mostly, when I was in a position to save myself from any unwanted consequences of my past bloomer or something like that. I know anyone can say such lame excuse to defend them. But trust me, mine were never meant to hurt anyone. Sometimes, I lie to people for fun, and to make fun of them. And on doing so, I don’t have the heart to prolong it forever. I just let them know the truth in a few minutes, or in some cases, in a few days’ time.

What kills me this time is, believing that person’s words, I had spent several hours, several days thinking of how to work things out in a better way for the betterment of that person. Now when I realize that all are of no use, I get frustrated. I get thwarted. It's good that in order to maintain my sanity, I still keep things going smoothly between us, hiding the fact that I knew of that person’s lies. It’s actually tough, you know – tough to pretend as if nothing had happened, as if nothing bad had happened.

Okay, in a broader analysis – giving away my disappointment and anger – I can presume that that person had said all those things for fun. Maybe that’s even true. But of all, one is indigestible and inexcusable, and that leaves me fuming. Nevertheless, I still hope one day I will get to know the reason from that very same person itself. Maybe, who knows, I will even get a reasonable justification too. However, deplorably, that doesn’t render any soothing for my current state of mind.

Thinking of this incident actually takes me back to a couple of years. Back then, my sweetest friend accused me of sharing certain secretive information with a couple of people (who are close to me; by close I mean very close). I felt more ashamed than sorry. I was unanswerable to the questions put right in front of my face. I stood speechless. It actually took few minutes and some indispensable courage to gather my strength to say SORRY. Yes, that was all I did. Nothing else. Wait, that wasn’t the hard part yet.

The real hard part was after several months, when I came to know, through one of those two people whom I shared the info with, that the very same information was already shared by my sweetest friend with one of them, several months before I had to say it by myself. How crazy is it? Just imagine my mind at that point of time when I heard this. My mind, it was literally cracked. Yeah, it was.

I wanted to blast my friend for concealing this from me, for making a fool out of me. I wanted to confront my sweetest friend for once. All the same, I knew I neither can blast nor can confront any of them.

If only I were able to read people well, I’d have very well avoided the above said situations for good. But then I feel these things are also for good that they show who we really are and whom we encounter with.