You, I, and The Office

First day at office, I didn't have any idea of what it would be like. It was only fear that blanketed my mind, to be honest. It's true that there was also an excitement in me; a tad more than my friends I'd say as I was there at the office two hours earlier than the expected time.

Of all that I thought would happen on the first day, you weren't one. But, without any second thought, you seemed to be the best of all. A spark, as some would call, was what I felt. I still couldn't figure out why you chose the desk next to me. Was it the same spark that made you do it? No, you would say. I can only guess. I will never know.

Well, the days we spent together, of course, working (or not), the hours we consumed for our chat, the minutes we spoke in silence, the seconds we looked into each other's eyes. If only it was a two-seater cubicle instead of four. Know what, most of the days, the other two didn't exist for me. Seriously. I mean, did they? Not, at least, in the world of conversations we had.

The stories you told, the disappointments you shared, the happiness you made me to be a part of. It didn't seem I met you after twenty years of being in this world. It rather seemed I was with you since your childhood. I'd had lied if I said I didn't feel I met you late in my life. Yep, twenty years too late. 

Your first love was the funniest story I had ever heard. I was secretly glad that it didn't materialize, you know. And whenever you bumped into a guy, a friend of yours, at the cafeteria, or at a shopping mall, or at the theatre, a shiver ran down my spine. It only vanished when you yourself assured me that he was just a friend. I was happy you always had this urge to mention that to me. What were you thinking of me then? More than a friend, no? Looking back, you spent more minutes talking to a guy than to a girl with me waiting nearby. And what were those giggles for? Did you do it purposefully? To make me feel jealous or something? If so, you won. I was.

Your desk was the temple I visited before I started my work. You were the Goddess I went to for my peace. You probably didn't know, but you made me function appropriately. Yes, you did. You were the reason I excelled in what I did. Not to impress you, but simply to be in par with you. You were smart, and made me smart (or more so.)

It was amazing that there was nothing common between us. You liked to go to office earlier, while I preferred to stay late. You preferred breakfast; lunch was for me. Music means ARR to you; YSR occupied my playlist. It was no wonder that Maniratnam vs. Selvaraghavan became our frequent leisure time talk. I had nothing against Maniratnam, but I loved to see the anger that sprayed on ur face every time I had a point against him. Ah, how I wished it would go on forever. You were North; needless to say, I was South. Opposite poles attract each other, my teacher had taught when I was a kid. I didn't believe it back then although I pretended to agree and wrote the same to get good marks. It was only when we had a common ground among these contradictions that I realized how right he was or rather the scientist, who proved it, was.

You were the missing piece of my unsolved puzzles. When you weren't, you had it somehow. Always. Without you, I didn't know how I would have survived. I didn't even know if I would have in the first place. There were days I wondered what the reason was for me to get to office every day. You or the work? The question flashed in me often. Every time, the answer was You. 

What is it that we have, I had questioned myself many a time. Acquaintance? No. Friendship? Not just. Crush? I was there. Infatuation? Certainly not. Love? Maybe. I was not sure yet. You weren't either, I thought.

'The office' fevicol affixed us more than it should had. You, I, and the office. What a story it had been? I hope you too get it one day.

Life is...

“Life is …” – That’s the most used starter of a phrase by anyone who, well, invariably thinks about ‘The Life’. Everyone would have had different words added up to it, at different times, which obviously was influenced by their stand on life back then. Apparently, I too had multiple phrases that start with ‘Life is …’, and moreover, had heard/read many versions from different people so far. Wanna know the latest? It’s “Life is a bitch when the only woman you can think of belongs to someone else.” – By Chetan Bhagat in his book, Revolution 2020.

Most of them that you happen to hear/read might seem to be funny, crazy, nutty, and top of all, a cliché. Most of us, from our perspective, laugh it off. Yeah, we do, unless we’re at a stage in life where we’re almost on their shoes. It’s the life, after all. But what we fail to do is to think what made them to define life as such. Maybe, we’re too lazy or too comfortable in life to think from their shoes. Say, someone had scribbled ‘Life is so miserable’ in the wall of a subway, and unavoidably, our eyes happen to glint at it as we walk by it. The immediate thought that would strike our mind is to picture that someone as a real LOSER. We’ve no idea of why he had seen life as ‘so miserable’. Of course, life wouldn’t have been so miserable for him right from his birth. Maybe his past few days, few months, or say, few years had been miserable for him. Or maybe, the truth is, his mind had seen life that way. And that doesn’t mean he is a LOSER.

Okay, what am I going to ramble here? It’s about what life is. It’s as simple as this, LIFE IS NOT SO COOL. That’s what I feel about life, right now. If you’d got what I wanted to clear up in the last two paragraphs, then you’d no longer think me as a loser or as a crazy head. Look, it might sound as a cliché, like I’d mentioned earlier, but the fact is ‘Life Is Not So Cool’. Trust me. Or you’d feel yourself only if you’re so gloomed by the so-called boredom.

I haven’t had much of a work at office for the last couple of months. It was the winding up phase of the project that I worked on. Going by that point, it’s kind of normal to be less occupied at work, and I’m very well aware of it. But the problems were – one, it wasn’t coming. The news came out of the blue. (I don’t want to get into it here as it’s an official, internal, and confidential matter, you see!) And two, it – I mean my release from the project - could have happened several weeks before. So these things along with the almost-no-work fact screwed me for the past few months. I’m not a guy who likes to sit and enjoy the ‘no work at office’ phase. I always want to be engaged in work at office, even if it takes whatever time in my 24-hours day. So it was no wonder why I felt life as not so cool.

In a way, the boring time was a blessing in disguise; it was the reason I was so ACTIVE in my blog for the past few months. (And moreover, it was why ‘A story’ was born!) Finally, the much awaited release happened on the fourth of November, and ta-da, I’m on bench now (not literally though. It was just a word coined by anonymous). Literally, it’s a very bad phase (at least for me) as it means no-work-and-so-just-be-idle-apart-from-searching-for-a-new-project. I’ve been suffering the effect of this for the past one week. I’m bored like hell. Although, it’s not like I’m looking for a project to get into. I’m almost into one already except it’s not official; when it’s not official, technically, my doors aren’t closed yet. And hence, I’m still in a ‘NO WORK’ phase.

To add fuel to the fire, the internet at my home has gone haywire since last Monday. We had, as usual, blamed it on BSNL for the situation. It’s BSNL, and so it’s obvious, we thought until today morning. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the case this time. We should blame it on our neighbor, wait, I should correct the term, and it should be our STUPID neighbor. We found that our phone line was actually CUT by our neighbor, and that was the reason for our situation. Worse, the reason we heard for their act. The wire that was hanging along their wall wasn’t looking good. Yeah, believe it or not, that was the reason given to the lineman who went up to their place to check the connection. Why do people behave like this? Why do they get out of their minds, often? When we fight for a change in the system in our country across various things, what we basically forget is the fact that we people should change for good, first.

So blame it on our neighbor (and surprisingly, not BSNL) for my inactivity on this blog-o-sphere for the past few days. Uh-huh, I’m lucky to find an excuse. All in all, I was bored at office, and equally, at home. Meanwhile, amidst these troubles, I found that I can live without checking my mails, without Facebook-ing, without blogging, and even without checking the blogs that I stalk, but certainly not without Twitter. Yeah, I badly missed it, missed checking the tweets of the people I follow. (I was worried on missing the latest updates from Selvaraghavan on #Mayakkamenna release.J) The first thing I did after the internet connection was fixed was to login to Twitter and check my timeline, the tweets I had missed.

Having said that, before I wind up the post, I’d like to quote the height of boredom I’m presently at – “I paid a visit to a couple of temples, this evening, just to get rid of the boredom and nothing else.” And I’d like to repeat, “Life is NOT so COOL.” Gotcha!

3 years @ work

It’s been three years. Yesterday I started my 4^th year at TCS. I just don’t want to say the good-old cliché “Three years went by like three minutes/seconds”, though I really feel it did. Neither on the day when I got recruited nor on the day when I entered the campus I wasn't sure I would be here for 3 whole years. Even today, I’m not sure I would complete my 4^th year here, but who knows, I would do a post next year saying how excited I’m on completing my 4^th year, and thereby getting the apparent promotion. That’s life after all, at least for me.

The past three years have been a great learning experience, both professionally and personally. I had faced a couple of hurdles on the way; otherwise it has been a smooth, flexible and favorable ride. I have been in two different projects so far, and each of them has taught me ample number of lessons that would help me grow better and better in the future.

All along the way I have met and been with different kinds of people – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Luckily, to make my ride pretty smooth, the last two categories had very few people in them. Nevertheless, even the bad and the ugly had been on their good at times, and I was kind of okay for being with them.

I have seen people cry (yes, trust me. I have seen the real tears. Thanks to those girls!), have seen people laugh. I have seen people being furious and arrogant. I have seen people caring and being humble. I have seen people who were very much committed, people who were, ironically, the other way, too. I have seen people who were passionate about what they do and what they have to do. There was one particular girl who topped all others in that regard. She was my inspiration, my booster and my whatnot. Honestly, I give her the compliment for what I’m today.

And I have tried my best to change the people who weren't committed, who weren't passionate, and who were cheerfully irresponsible. I was successful with few, and unsuccessful with others. Never mind, at least I tried.

I have had few greatest moments of my life. I have had few forgettable, regrettable moments as well. There were days that were nothing more than plain and simple; there were days that were exciting and challenging; there were days that were nothing less than being extremely funny. Not to forget, there were miserable days, too.

I have met people who were later to become my best friends, and thereby, an integral part of my life. They have done way too much to impress me that I would go to any extent to pay back them by any means. I have met people who love me for what I’m and people whom I love THE MOST!

I have had my golden days – not the days when I was recognized or appreciated for my work, but the days when I was really happy for doing as much help as I could offer to make my colleagues shine in their task. I was more than indulged to see them smile, and that gave me more satisfaction than the smile I got myself when I was appreciated.

I have had my dark days as well. Those days were real pain for me. It’s not that I couldn't handle the day to make it less gloomy, but I was doomed to face that. Personally I would say the third year was more horrifying (strictly not in professional terms).

From people, I have learnt how one should behave and how one shouldn't. I have studied the ways to motivate people to get the work done, to handle people in tough times, and not to disappoint or disrespect anyone.

Looking back at the three years, one thing that makes me feel happy is the fact I have grown with the help of others, and invariably, helped others grow. And I guess, that makes me complete in my career as yet.

SO FAR SO GOOD. Cheers to ME and the people who made me what I'm today!

The game of chance

I hurried towards the bus stand as soon as I got down from the auto for I have already been late by 20 minutes or so. Thank god, I had reserved my tickets in a private travels. Had I reserved in a government bus, it would have reached the toll gate, some 15 kms away from the bus stand, by this time.

In a span of 5 minutes, I, somehow, managed to locate my bus. The driver had already started the bus. The engine sounded as if it was calling me for the past 20 minutes. I entered the bus and noticed all but me were already boarded and planted their butts comfortably in their allotted seats. Their glare felt like bullets as they were delayed because of me.

But who cares, that too, when one is not in a mood to care about others for he is already too late to care about himself. I went on to sit on my allotted seat. The man who sat next to me threw a gentle smile. In order to maintain the dignity, I responded to him without any interest and turned towards my right to look out through the window. I guess he would have figured out my intention of such response as he, from then, neither spoke a word to me nor cared to look at me.

It took almost half an hour travel for the bus to reach the toll gate. I opened my bag which I was holding tight with its base resting on my lap. The brown colour invitation smiled through my clothes to show its presence. I picked it up so that I could see the bride’s and bridegroom's name on it. It read Priya weds Ram. Before I could put it back and close the bag, a drop of my tears fell on it and made the name ‘Priya’ wet. I wiped it off with my left forefinger and closed the bag.

Suddenly the presence of the man next to me struck my mind, and I was quick enough to wipe my tears without his knowledge by turning towards the window. As soon as I did, my eyes rolled secretly towards him to make sure that he had not seen my tears. Thankfully he couldn't have seen it as he had already slept.

I leaned back on the seat and closed my eyes. My thoughts rolled back to the day when I saw her for the first time. The moment I thought of it, I smiled at myself. It was some three years ago.

***

I was a sports freak. I was in a state of doing or leaving anything for sports. I played Hockey, but would watch any sports on TV. It won't make any impact if I simply say I would watch any sports on TV for many will do the same. But still, I was different. I was mad about sports.

I was in my final year of my UG degree. I was the captain of our college Hockey team. We had won the Zonal level competition and were qualified for the Inter-Zonal which was to be held in K.K.R College of Engineering, Coimbatore. When we started for the tournament, from our college in Chennai, I had only one thought. I badly wanted to win that tournament. I was quite determined as it was supposed to be my last tournament in my eight-year Hockey life.

It was easy, if not, not so tough for us to reach the final. We deserved it. We played like hell. At the end of day three of the tournament, the semi-finals were over. We were damn eager to clash with last year’s winners in the final. Later in the evening, we decided to hang out just to relax and clear our mind. We were given permissions to board their college bus to move in and around the college. It was such a big campus, you see.

We walked to the bus and boarded it. We were enjoying like anything. In the next ten minutes, the bus was full except for a seat next to me. The conductor gave the signal for the driver to start. As the bus was about to start, the conductor signalled the driver to stop. In another few seconds, a girl, for the matter of fact, a cute girl boarded the bus. The bus started. She looked around the bus only to find the seat next to me. She walked towards me, sorry, towards my next seat. I was nervous. I didn't know why the heck I was nervous. But I was nervous, damn nervous. I turned my head towards the window thinking that it would help her to take the seat without caring to ask me.

"Excuse me," I heard her voice.

"Yeah" I said.

"May I take this seat, if you don’t mind?" She questioned as if my name was written on it.

"Why not?" I said without facing her and moved slightly away from the seat and turned towards the window again.

Her mobile rang and I could listen to her voice. "Five Minutes, I'm in the bus. Please wait there only," She said in the call, probably to her friend. But I sat as if I was a deaf. We reached the entrance gate in another five minutes. Many got down from the bus. She, my friends, and I were among the many. As soon as I got down, my eyes rolled around fast to look for her. I saw her moving towards a group of girls. I couldn't do anything, perhaps, other than to watch her from distance until the group got disappeared.

I was brought back to the earth by my friend's voice, "Hey, enough buddy.  She's gone. Come, we can do what we came here for," he said and started walking towards the hotel located just opposite to the college.

"Well, yeah, come on," I said and followed him.

As we were walking back to our room from the hotel, my friend came near me and asked as soft as he could, "Do you know who the girl is?"

"Girl?"

"Yep, the one who sat next to you, the one at whom you were staring continuously after you got down from the bus."

"Nope, how do I know?"

"She is from this college only. She is an athlete."

"How did you know?" I asked him excited.

"After our semi-final match I went to the ground where the athlete meet was being held. I saw her there. She won the 100m race."

"Oh, great."

"Hmmm.... enjoy"

“Come on, dude. What has that got to do with me?” I said and hurried towards the room. That night I couldn't sleep well. She was in my dreams although I had not seen her face clearly yet.

Our final match was scheduled at three in the evening. We prepared well for it. But somehow my mind was disturbed by her thoughts. Sadly, we lost the lost the match after leading 2-1 at the half time. The final score was 2-3 in favour of our opponent. I was very much disappointed, and so was my team. We sat, frustrated, under a tree near the ground. Silence surrounded us. All were in a depressed state.

The announcement in the mic made me excited. It was the announcement for the 100 m final race. As soon as I heard the announcement, I badly wanted to get there, not to see the race but to see her, to see her in the race.

I tried to escape from my team. "Listen guys, it's all in the game. Don't worry for the loss. We can win next year." I said to console them.

"......" No words from them though their face read like they had partially come out of it.

"I'm going to the room. You guys come soon too," I said and moved away from them without waiting for their response. I walked to the ground where the race was to be held.

I sat in the gallery near a group of boys and girls. They shouted in such a way to support one of the contenders. I saw her on lane seven. I prayed for her to win the race, more than I did for myself to win the final match. After few minutes, from the words of the group near me, I found that they were her classmates, and had bunked their class to watch the race. The race began. It was a tight one. Thankfully, she won.

"Thank God," I said to myself for the result. As soon as the race was over, the entire group ran towards her to congratulate her. I badly wanted to be one among them. But all I could do by then was to sit in the gallery all alone and gaze longingly.

"So, are u happy?" a voice behind startled me. I turned back. It was my friend.

"What?" I asked.

"I asked, are you happy?" He said in a low tone.

"How come man? We lost the final after all," I said.

"But she had won the race, no?" He asked.

"So?" I asked.

"So what?  You must be happy," he asked again.

I wanted to say to him, 'YES'. But I just said, "Shit man, I'm sad for our loss."

"Is it? I thought the other way," he said.

"Alright, come, let’s go," I said and pulled him towards the room. We walked past her. She was still surrounded by her group of friends. I tried hard to walk straight without looking at her, but I failed. My eyes glanced at her secretly, but not clearly. I was worried a bit for not seeing her clearly even in my second opportunity. I tried to deviate my mind by talking to my friend.

"Excuse me."

I turned back. It was her.

“Hi"

"Hi," I replied in a very low tone.

"Sorry, I didn't even say thanks to you last night for the seat. Thanks," she said.

"Why should you thank me? I didn’t sacrifice my seat. Furthermore, it’s your college bus." I said.

"Hmmm... Anyway, thanks.” She paused and continued, “Ok bye," and turned back.

"Just a minute," I said. She turned back again to face me.

"Congrats," I said with a smile.

"Thanks a lot," she smiled and walked back to her group. I felt like flying in the sky without wings. I was brought back to the earth, once again, by my friend.

"Great man, She came to you and said thanks, that too when she was busy with her friends." He was more excited than I was.

I stood still.

"Go and ask her name," he suggested. I too wanted to do it. But I didn't, as in, I couldn't. We started to Chennai on the same night. My thoughts in the journey were filled by her, only by her. She was in my mind for few more days. Even as days rolled by, I didn't forget her, but slowly I began to think less about her. Though I had chances of enquiring about her through my friends in that college, I didn't actually want to do so. I thought, if she was made for me, I'll see her again.

***

1 year, 4 Months and 2 days later:

My phone rang.

"Hello"

"Hi, Am I speaking to Rahul?"

"Yeah, Rahul speaking."

"Good Morning, Rahul. We are calling from the HR department. You have been mapped to the client, “Wolters Kluwer”. You have a project interview scheduled tomorrow in fourth floor at Chennai One office at 10:30 A.M. Do be present for the same," a lady voice from the other end said.

"Yeah, sure," I replied.

"All the details with respect to the project will be shared by the interviewer. Do you have any questions?"

"Nope," I said.

"Fine, thank you. Have a nice day." The call ended.

I was unable to believe it. I got the call on the very next day after my training got over when many of my friends, whose training got over a month ago, were still in bench. I thanked God. The next day went pretty smoothly. I got selected for the project. I was very happy not only because I got into a project soon, but also because I got into an excellent team. All my colleagues were good natured, helpful, and more importantly very friendly. It was so perfect for a fresher. No one would expect anything more than that. I was no different.

Almost a month was gone by. I enjoyed those days more than I had expected. A month long time was more than enough for me to prove my calibre. I got a very good name from my team lead as well as from all my team members.

It was on one fine day when I was entering into my cubicle, I did see three new faces in my team lead's cubicle. I couldn't see their face as all of them were facing my team lead and showing their back towards me.

I seldom cared to have a look at them as I was not aware, by then, that those three were moved from another project of our client to ours due to the additional requirements. After an hour, as I walked across my next cubicle, on my way to meet the team lead, one of my Colleagues, who was giving KT to them stopped me.

"He is Rahul," he said to the three, pointing me.

"Hi..." They said in a chorus.

"Hi" I replied.

"Rahul, He is Sam, she is Sindhu and she is Priya. They are moved to our project starting today. Of the three, Sam and Priya are freshers, your batch only." He gave a formal introduction.

"Oh, great. So I'll have some young people's company from today; I’m tired of you old people." I said jovially and moved.

Something struck me as I placed my third step. His words, "Rahul, He is Sam, She is Sindhu and she is Priya.......,” repeated in my mind. The words, "She is Priya.... She is Priya.... She is Priya..." played in me like a DVD that got stuck in the player. I stopped before placing my fourth step. I turned back to look at Priya, more clearly this time.

It was her. It was the same girl whom I had seen few months, a long few months, ago. I did find some changes in her, physically. But Still I could recognise her. She was cute still. I badly wanted to talk to her immediately, but I didn't, as in, I couldn't. I felt the same feeling that I felt on the other day when my friend asked me to get her name by then.

Though I knew it was her, I still felt the need to confirm that before asking her directly. I always stick to my motto - Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. So I thought of the worst case – the case where Priya wasn't the one I was looking for, for the past 16 months, since the day I saw her among her friends after saying thanks to me. If that was the case, I feared to face the embarrassing situation of asking my doubt to the one, whom I haven't known, whom I haven't talked to. Instead of meeting my team lead, which was my intention a few minutes ago, I turned towards the exit door. I dialled my friend, who was with me in my training, who was also from K.K.R College of Engineering, Coimbatore.

"Hi" I said quickly.

"Hi... How are you, man?" He asked.

"I'm doing good dude. How do u do? It's long since you called me."

"I'm fine. Sorry, I was busy with these project related stuffs. So, what’s up?" He asked in an excited tone.

"Nothing Special dude. Actually I called you for a help. Do you know someone named Priya from your college, an athlete?" I asked him straight without thinking of the consequence.

"Yep. If I remember correct, she is from I.T. department."

"Oh, ok. Thanks."

"Why are you asking for?" He asked, this time his voice was in a tone of anticipation.

"Nothing man. I'll call you later tonight," I said and ended the call.

I turned back. I can't put my feelings I felt by then in words. I felt like flying in the sky without wings. It was something I always felt when I was happy. I was brought back to the earth by the ringtone of my mobile. It was him, my friend whom I had called a few minutes back. I disconnected the call and texted him, "I'll call u 2night," and got a reply "k buddy. njoy :-)"

By the time I entered my cubicle, the KT session was over. As soon as I sat on my chair, I saw the three crossing my cubicle. I smiled at them. They were kind enough to return back the same. I wanted to talk to them, precisely to her. But I didn’t, as in, I couldn’t. Later in the evening, I saw her in the canteen. She saw me seeing her. She smiled at me. So did I. She came near me. For a moment I thought, she would have recognised me. But I was wrong. She came and enquired about the project. I, somehow, managed to build my courage and asked, “Are you from K.K.R College of Engineering?”

“Yep. How do you know?” She questioned back.

 I stood speechless. She repeated her question curiously. I wanted to tell her about everything, our meeting in her college over a year ago, the hope I’m having till date, the hope of meeting her again.

“The one who was giving KT to you told me,” I lied.

“Oh, that’s fine. See you tomorrow. It’s already late for me to catch the office bus.” She said with a smile in her face.

“Yeah, see you. Bye,” I said.

You can even bet your own head on any guy for him to be more curious to know about other guy’s interest over a girl. My friend was no different. As I reached my home, I saw 5 missed calls in my mobile from him. After finishing my dinner, I called him back.

“Hello...” I said.

“Hi... It took this much time for you to return my call, right?”

“Sorry, dude. I was a bit busy.”

“Yeah, I understand. Busy with her?”

“Busy with whom?”

“Priya.”

“Don’t think in a wrong way man. She joined our project today. I heard she was from your college. So I thought of asking you about her. That’s it,” I tried to conceal the real matter.

“Hey, come on man. She is of your kind. You can try for her.”

“Try what? I mean, what are you up to?” I said as if I didn’t get him.

“Remember? Once you told us that your wife should be a sportswoman, kind-hearted and so on. She fits in all of this. So you can very well go for her.” He explained.

What he said was correct. I had once, when we guys were discussing about how our life partner has to be, said my view. I had a wish, aim or whatever. It was to make my son a world class football or hockey player. So I wanted my partner to have interest in sports, preferably a sportswoman. The other qualities I looked for was, she must be kind-hearted, soft natured, etc. 

“Hey, don’t blabber. That has got nothing to do with this, especially with her.” I said.

“Listen, I’m serious. As far as my knowledge, she is soft, she has a good-character, and more importantly, she is a sports person. You can’t find anyone better than her.” He said seriously.

“Forget it. How is your project?” I tried to change the topic. We spoke nearly for half an hour, about his project, my project, and so on. Before we hung up the call, he said, “You must take good care of her. I heard that either her dad or mom was dead, a long time ago. I’m not sure who, but one of them is no more.”  This last line of his disturbed me.

I didn’t know what affected me, I was very much disturbed. But I was sure, by then, I had not fixed her in my heart. She was in the same position as I had kept her few months back. Though I didn’t pay any interest to know more about her in those time period, I never spent a day without thinking about her, without seeing her face in my mind. Initially, I thought it was just an infatuation.  It took some time for me to realize that it was not a mere infatuation and something more than that. Whenever I pass by my college ground, I imagined her running on the track. And Whenever I thought of her, I thought if she was made for me, then I‘ll see her again. With that hope, I lived by then.

On the next day, I reached office before 8 a.m. If you look into my history, I had never reached office before 9am, not only me, but all who came by bike. Only those who came by office bus reached before 8am. Everyone who were there was shocked to see me before 8am.  I was shocked for not seeing Priya over there. I was a bit disappointed, in fact a little more than a bit disappointed.

She came around half past eight. On seeing me, she smiled and greeted me. I did the same. After few minutes, she came to my place. I wanted to ask the reason for her delay. I didn’t. We chatted for another fifteen minutes. To be frank, she spoke, only she spoke. All I did was to listen, just listen.  One of my colleagues came to us,

“Did u miss the bus?” She asked Priya.

“Nope, I came in the bus only. I went straight to the canteen for breakfast. That’s first, and then comes work.” Priya said with a smile.

Two more months passed by. It was enough for us to become close. She shared a lot with me. I did a little with her. In the meantime, I always wanted to say to her about our previous meeting in her college. I didn’t, time and again. I wondered how come she didn’t recognize me. I was a bit disturbed because of that. But I consoled myself, mainly to protect myself from disappointment.

She was very good at her work. She was dedicated and perfect, but she, at times, made few silly mistakes, and so struggled to finish the day’s task on time. It happened quite a few times. It made her to think that something, by some means, happen negatively to her. At those times, she would ask help from me, but with hesitation. There were days when I stayed late for her, to give company for her till she leaves. There were days, when I stayed late for her, after sending her in the last bus.

All those I did, were not because I fell in love with her, but because I wanted to help my colleague. That’s it. I used the words – ‘I fell in love with her’ because I actually fell in love with her. Those two months gave me a clear picture about the thing I had for her, that it was not a mere infatuation, but more than that. That could be nothing but love, I realized.

As days went by, my love for her grew proportionately. It was not her beauty that made me to fall for her, but her character. The way she spoke, the way she mingled with all, and more importantly, the fact that she was a sportswoman. All those made me to think she was tailor-made for me. Many times, when she was speaking to me about some personal things, I wanted to propose to her. But I didn’t, as in, I couldn’t.

All I did was to develop my love for her, more and more. It was not only me; she too kindled it, of course, unknowingly. For whatever the problem she faced in the office, she called me, shared with me. I tried my level best to console her, to boost her, and succeeded for the most part. Whenever I helped her, be it a small issue or a big issue, or a very big issue, she thanked me. And whenever she did, I felt like an alien to her. I pleaded her not to say thanks anymore. Even then she didn’t stop, but however, reduced it slowly. I was glad for that.

All was going well until we heard the news about our movement to a new office. We were told that due to the lack of systems in our allocated space in the new office, we, few from our team, had to come in shifts. After some ten days, an official circular came to get the details of the persons and their shift timings. I was not aware of it, at all. I wondered why none had shared the information with me. As I was going for lunch with a few of my colleagues, one of them asked my shift. I was shocked. “What are you talking about?” I asked. He then asked me to check with my team lead. I went there immediately, and saw my name in the morning shift with the timing 6 a.m. to 4 p.m. I had never woken up before 6:30 a.m. after getting into this project. But I wasn’t worried for that. I saw that Priya’s name was not in my shift list. I wasn’t worried for that either. I saw her name in the evening shift with timing 4 p.m. to 11 p.m. I was worried. I saw Shankar’s name in the same shift. I was very much worried.

That guy, Shankar, was a nice guy basically. You just can’t hate him in the first place. He was such a nice person. But he became a villain to me by the way he behaved with Priya. He needfully spoke to her even when there wasn’t any need for that. I didn’t know still whether he did it intentionally or not. But I couldn’t bear it by then. Had he spoken to her casually like most of us did, he wouldn’t have become a villain to me so easily. But he needlessly called her, talked to her. Whenever I went to his place, I saw the chat window opened in his system and the person in the chat will be none other than her.

On seeing his name on Priya’s shift, I doubted him. I tried to find how this had happened for I knew, or I almost knew, Priya wouldn’t have asked for the evening shift.

“Could you please add me to the evening shift?” I asked my lead.

“Why Rahul?” He asked.

“It’s difficult for me to wake up early to come to office by 6:30 a.m.” I said.

“But the names had already been entered and finalized for all the shifts. As per the estimate, only seven are allowed in the evening shift. I think, seven are already added there,” he said and counted the names.

“Yeah, but could you try for one more, please?” I requested him.

“No, Rahul. Unfortunately, I can’t. You can ask any of these seven and if any of them is willing to switch with you, I have no objections. Or you can come in the general shift. That’s the maximum I can do for you,” he said in a caring tone.

I looked into the names. Of the seven, only Shankar was around. He was at his desk. I asked him to swap our shifts. I knew what he would say, yet I asked him for a formality. I got the expected reply. Then I said, “Never mind, I’ll ask Priya.”

“She won’t swap either. She herself asked for the evening shift,” Shankar said.

 I couldn’t control my anger. Not because of his reply, but because of Priya. She was damn aware of that shift related stuffs, but she didn’t even care to discuss about that with me. I would rather say I was disappointed and not angry as such. I didn’t speak a word after that. I stood there for few more minutes and then turned towards the door. My team lead called me back. He said, “Well, Rahul, I‘ll somehow try to add you to the evening shift. Don’t worry about it.” I was not in the mood to be happy. But for my lead and his concern, I smiled and thanked him.

The second half of the day was a pain for me. I had this urge to ask Priya about the shift plan immediately, but I felt that it would be better to ask her later. That night, I called her reluctantly.

“Hello”

“Hi... What’s up?” she asked in a happy mood.

“Nothing much. I just want to ask you one thing,” my words struggled.

“Why are you hesitating? Ask me, no?” She said as if she had figured out my reluctance.

“Are you aware of the shift related stuffs?”

“Yeah, Shankar called me to discuss about that.”

“Fuck you man,” I said to myself.

“Why? What’s up? Which shift are you in?”

“Why do you care?”

“What do you mean?”

“I was disappointed today. I was not aware of this stuff. No one informed me, not even you.” I paused.

“Hey, I thought you were aware of it.”

“Nope, I came to know about it after everything was finalized. I was in the morning shift. Then somehow I got it changed to the evening shift.”

“I’m sorry. I should have discussed about it with you.”

“Why should you? I mean, it’s not your mistake. The mistake is mine for expecting it from you.”

“I’m really sorry. I always discuss with you about several matters. I should have done the same in this too. Sorry.”

“That’s alright. Btw, why did you ask for evening shift specifically?”

“I didn’t ask for it. Shankar called me and asked, is it ok for you to come in the evening shift? I said I’m fine with any shift.”

“I suspected that,” I said.

“What did you suspect?”

“Nothing, forget it. Are you really fine with it?”

“Yeah, you are all in the evening shift, right? So it’s not a problem at all.”

“Ok, fine”

“What did you suspect? Say to me. Be frank.”

“Nothing. Just said it. Bye. Good night,” I disconnected the call without waiting for her response.

You are all in the evening shift, right? So it’s not a problem at all. I felt happy on hearing these words as I was included in – you are all, but I was equally tensed as Shankar was also a part of it.

After few minutes, I got a message from her. It read, “Hey, will u say wat happened r not? This is d last time am asking.”

“Nothing. I‘ll say it later,” I replied.

“K no prob but don expect me to say anything. Really I won’t say anything. Bye...” She replied back.

“Ha... ha... ha... I know you. You can’t be like that,” I messaged her. I waited for her reply. I waited for ten more minutes. I waited for another half an hour. I checked my mobile again after an hour, but no reply from her.

For the next few weeks, she kept on asking me about the matter. But how could I say to her that I was tensed and disappointed because of Shankar. Her next obvious question will be “why?” How could I say it was because I love her?

Several days rolled by, as a result, a couple of months too rolled by. It was exactly a week before her birthday that I decided to propose to her, but not directly as I was sort of afraid of the consequences. So I wanted to show case my love in an indirect way that would still depict my love for her. I wanted to gift her something that was as simple as possible, but at the same time, as big as possible to convey my feelings.

After a long, deep thought, I finally decided on one thing. I went to all big shops in two days after my office hours only to end up disappointed. I roamed in and out of Chennai, went to some 7 or 8 leading shops, but it was nowhere. I was more disappointed than the time when I lost my final hockey match.  But for time being, I bought a book titled – ‘TRUST ME’.

It was her birthday. I badly waited for a good opportunity to give her the book. Sadly, I didn’t get any. “Opportunity doesn’t come by its way. It’s we, who should create it,” they say. I failed to create one. So, in the end, all I could do was to drop the book furtively in her bag.

I reached home, but my mind was not concentrating on anything. I accused myself for missing the chances galore that came my way. I always wanted to propose to her whenever I had a chance, but a kind of fear kept me procrastinate it forever. I went to the terrace, sat there for an hour or so. I didn’t want it to continue anymore. I decided not to drag my feet on this any further.  I came down for my mobile to message her.

To my surprise, I had already got a message from her. It read, “Did you keep the book in my bag?”

“Yeah” I replied. I got a reply from her after ten minutes.

“Why didn’t you give it to me directly?”

“You were not there when I stopped by to give it to you in person. So I dropped it in your bag.” I lied.

“Actually it wasn’t the one I intended for. I couldn’t find the one that I wanted to gift you, anywhere. For time being, I bought it.” I messaged her again.

“It’s okay. Now, will you tell me the reason why you were disappointed the other day?” She was smart enough to use the chance.

“When?” I tried to be smarter.

“The day when the shift details were discussed.”

“I said I’ll tell you later,” I replied. I waited. I waited for ten more minutes. Still there was no reply from her.

I too wanted to end it. I had this feeling of why should I message her when she doesn’t want to reply back. But how would I? I badly wanted not to miss the chance. I thought it was specially created for me. I messaged her, “u ther?”

“yeah” She replied immediately. This is the thing about girls. If you are not on their way, they seldom consider you, but once you just pretend to be on their way, they respond to you anytime, from anywhere.

“If u assure me that u won’t say it to others, I’ll tell u one thing.” I messaged her.

“Sure, u can very well trust me.”

“I’m in love with u,” I replied. There it was, I texted her blatantly.

I didn’t get any reply from her for another five minutes. I was restless. It’s easy to blurt something out that you end up regretting later. I regretted. My mobile beeped after 5 minutes.

“Hey, I consider u as my friend, my close friend. So I share many things with u. u are such a nice person. u have many good characters and caring as well. Sorry, if I tempted u in anyway,” she replied.

I wasn’t disappointed. In fact I was happy for two reasons; one, she at least replied rather than ending the conversation and two, she didn’t say that she didn’t like me in the first place. 

“Why r u saying sorry? U hav nothing to do with it. I said what I felt. I dreamt of a few characters that my partner should have. U fit in everything. That’s it.”

“I’m not that good. May be the way I spoke to u had tempted u. U’ll get a very nice girl and that girl is not me. Also, my family situation is not good. I’m not interested to this kind of things. Sorry.”

“Don’t say sorry, please. In fact, I have to say sorry. Sorry for disturbing you like this,” I replied.

“No prob. U said what u felt, I made it clear what I felt. Sorry.”

“Okay. We have a long way still. Anything can happen in the future. Let’s see,” I texted back.

“Don’t think like that. I may be childish in some stuff, but I’m mature as far as this is concerned. I won’t change.” She replied.

“Change is the only thing that won’t change. Let’s see. Good night,” I replied with the intention of ending the conversation.

She would have understood my intention. For the next two days, I had no message or call from her. After the weekend off, I went to office on Monday. She was not there by then. I was excited to face her for the first time after proposing to her. She came after twenty minutes, and just threw a smile at me. That wasn’t real. I felt it. I didn’t expect that from her, to be honest. I tried to keep myself away from her. I guess, she too would have thought the same for she never came to my desk the whole day. She didn’t even say bye to me when she left.

I hoped everything would be normal in a couple of days. But it was not so. For the next few days, she talked to me related to office stuff, only office related stuff, that too, very rarely. In order to maintain the cordiality, I too didn’t care to talk to her hoping for her to come to me and talk whenever she was ready. On Friday, I heard from one of my colleague that she had got an appreciation mail from the onsite lead. She didn’t say it to me herself. I was worried for the first time in the whole week. I figured something was wrong, but still, I had confidence in her. I waited till the end of the day, only to get disappointed.

As soon as I reached home, I messaged her. “Why are you not talking to me? I’m not that bad. It’s odd. Message me when u r free. I’ll call you.”

“I’m sorry for not talking to you. You are not bad. I’m sorry. I just wanted not to tempt you anymore.” She replied.

I called her.

“Hey. It’s not fair. The way you behaved this whole week, I’m worried.” I started after struggling initially.

“I’m sorry for my behaviour. I just wanted not to tempt you anymore”

“Look, please don’t use that word tempt again. It’s not you who tempted me. I’m not a kid to get changed by temptation. I said what I felt. I didn’t simply fall in love with you on seeing you or because I admired the way you talk. There’s something more, something beyond all these trivial stuffs.”

“I’m sorry. Actually I thought of messaging you tonight.”

“You thought, after a week? Don’t say it for the sake of it.”

“No, I swear. I really did.”

“I‘m in love with you for the past few months. Had I ever behaved to you with such intentions? Initially I thought it will be normal, but today when I heard about the mail u got, I was worried. You didn’t even care to say it to me, right?”

“Hey, actually as soon as I saw the mail, I wanted to show to you first. But you know I controlled myself. I knew it won’t continue longer, but then...” She didn’t complete her sentence.

“Thank god, at least you thought of me. But how come you were there without saying it to me. I guess I didn’t do anything that bad.”

“No, but you said anything can happen in future. That was the reason why I wanted to be away from you.”

“I just said that. There is no hidden reason behind it. I said that because I had, and I still have, the hope. Also, you never said that you didn’t like me. So I was confident. And, I thought if u didn’t have any problem, I would talk to your dad and brother and try to convince them. That’s the reason I said anything can happen in future.”

“It’s not only the family. I, myself, don’t have any interest in these stuffs. Also, I always thought you as a good friend of mine. Nothing beyond that”

“Whatever. I just wanted to clarify. I hope you’ll be normal from Monday. Else, it’s up to you.”

“I had taken off the whole next week. I’m going home”

“So, you didn’t even inform me about this either.”

She laughed. She didn’t understand the pain I had when I said those lines to her.

“Ok, bye. Take care. Enjoy at home,” I said.

“I’m sorry, again. Even if you haven’t messaged me today, I would have done it myself. I know I can’t be like this for many days.”

“Thanks. Bye. Good night,” I said and dropped the call.

Next week was like hell. I badly missed her. I tried to be normal on the first day, and partially succeeded. I tried it for the second day, but I couldn’t. I feared of myself, I couldn’t miss her for just two days, and then how come will I miss her for the rest of my life. I thought deeply and took one of the toughest decisions I had ever made in my entire life.

As soon as I reached the office on Wednesday, I asked my lead for my release from the project. My lead was flabbergasted. He was afraid of losing a dedicated, committed, and whatnot resource. He rejected my request in the first place without any second thoughts. I called him later in the evening and spoke to him for nearly an hour. Thanks to the lies I told him, finally, he nodded. That week was decided to be my last in the project.

The news spread across my entire team, and all, either individually or in a group came to me and asked for the real reason. I lied to them, the same lie to all. So, no one figured out the real reason. I got an unforgettable farewell on Friday evening. I thanked and bid adieu to all. For the last time, before leaving, I looked at her desk. My eyes became watery. I left as soon as possible to avoid an unnecessary scene.

***

Three days later, on Monday evening:

My mobile rang. It was her. I didn’t want to answer the call, but I did. How will I miss a call from my girl, no?

“Hi. How was your stay at home?” I started.

“Why did you get release from the project?” Her words struggled to come from her mouth. I sensed it.

“Just did. You‘ll be happy, right?” I said sarcastically.

“Are you a fool? I didn’t expect this from you. Why did you do this?”

“Hey, come on. All is well.”

“....” She remained silent.

“Listen, I missed you badly last week. I couldn’t concentrate on my work. I was disturbed. I tried to change myself, but I couldn’t. I feared I would speak about my love to you again. As a result, you‘ll avoid me. I can’t bear that. It’s better to be away than to be near and be away still.”

“When I heard the news in the morning, I was shocked like I never had in my whole life. It’s because of me only, right?”

“No, not at all. Please don’t take it that way. As I had said earlier, it was neither your mistake nor mine. It just happened. But let’s hope that everything is for good. And one more thing, no one is aware of what happened between us. I said some other reason and got released. I want you to maintain the same.”

“What did you say?”

“I said I’m looking for a transfer to Bangalore and that now I have an opportunity there through my friend. If I am released immediately, I would easily get it. It wasn’t easy, as you know. I had to add some spices to it. Everyone believed it,” I said and continued, “Don’t you ever say about our matter to any of our colleagues, sorry, to your colleagues.”

“So, are you going to Bangalore?”

“Nope. It was just a lie. Anyway, I‘ll try to make it a truth. Otherwise, I’ll still be here in Chennai, somewhere in some project.”

“...”

“Hey, one final request, don’t you ever feel guilty. I repeat, you have nothing to do with this. Only I’m to be blamed. And finally, I still love you and will do forever. I swear. If, by any chance, you feel that I’ll take a good care of you, just let me know. I’ll talk to your dad and brother. Until then, I’ll always be available for you as a friend, a true friend. You can share anything with me as you did before.”

“Ok,” She struggled to speak.

“Bye. Take care. I’ll miss you.” I said.

“So will I,” she said and disconnected the call.

***

Almost a year later:

My mobile rang. It was her.

I was still in Chennai, but at the other office. I tried to change my lie to a truth, but sadly I couldn’t as I didn’t have any such friend like I said to my old project mates. My new project was also good, but I didn’t find the colleagues as close as, as friendly as, the ones in my previous one. I got used to that eventually. The only thing I missed was her. I didn’t see her after her birthday. I never even talked to her again. We messaged quite a few times, to let her know about my new project and new office, and of that sort. She once messaged me when she was depressed because of a mistake she did in her work. It was really hard for me that day not to call her. I can’t put it in words what I went through.

I answered the call.

“Hi, how are you?” she started.

“Hi, I’m fine. How have you been?” I asked.

“I’m fine, too. Are you in office?”

“Yeah”

“I want to meet you. I’ll come there by five in the evening and give you a call,” she said.

“What’s the matter?”

“I will tell you when we meet.”

“That’s fine,” I said and disconnected the call. I wondered what the matter was. Of course, the thought that she would come to say that she was ok with my proposal was first and the only one that struck my mind. I felt happy. I felt like flying in the sky without the wings, you know.

My mobile rang. It was her.

I saw the time. It was 4:45 p.m.

“Hi” she started again.

“Hi, are you here already?”

“Can you come to the canteen now? I’m waiting here.”

“Sure. I’ll be there in five minutes,” I said calmly hiding my excitement. I flied to the canteen. I saw her sitting alone in the third table. My eyes became wet. I wiped it off without the knowledge of others.

“Hi,” I waved at her. She was nervous.

“Hi,” she smiled, or I’d say, tried to smile.

“Coffee or juice?”  I asked

“No need.” She replied.

“Why? Are you in diet or what? Wait, I’ll get a juice for you,” I said and walked to the Juice shop. I came back with two glasses of Apple milk shake. It was her favourite.

“What’s up? I didn’t expect this meet,” I asked gulping a sip of the juice.

She opened her bag and took out a plastic cover. I was tensed. She looked more tensed. She took out an invitation and handed it over to me. It took me a few seconds to figure out what exactly was happening. She brought me back to the earth. The then flying Rahul fell on the ground. I wanted to be bold and accept the happening. For the first time, I did though I couldn’t actually.

“Priya weds Ram. Wow! Congrats,” I said opening the invitation. She sat still. I saw the details of Ram. He was a chemical engineer. He was working in RITES Ltd.

“Nice proposal,” I said. She sat still. I badly wanted to leave the place as quick as possible as I couldn’t handle the situation anymore. How long will I act like I was not affected by, you see, an unexpected storm that hit me?

“Okay, fine. I have to leave. I have some work to do.” I said and got up from the chair.

“Please, do come for the marriage. I’ll be happy to see you there.” She said.

“Oh, sure. I will,” I said still standing.

“And sorry, I didn’t want do anything against my family. You are my best friend and will always be.” She said.

“All I wanted was a chance, an approval from you to talk to your family. I would have been happy had I got one. I’m sure I would have convinced them somehow. Whatever, it’s too late to talk about it now. I was your friend. I’m still your friend. And I will always be, no matter what. But at the same time, I loved you, I still do, and trust me, I will do forever. Bye. See you on your wedding day. Take care.” I said hiding my tears and walked away from her without looking at her again.

***

Her Wedding day:

I got down from the auto that I hired from the bus stand. I saw the name of the marriage hall and confirmed that with the invitation I was holding in my hand. I saw the hoarding placed at the entrance. It read Priya weds Ram. I stood there for a few minutes holding the invitation in my hand still. I wanted to go in, see her, and wish her for her bright future. But I didn’t, as in, I couldn’t.

I hired an auto back to bus stand. I opened my wallet and took out a bit of paper from it. I read the lines that I wrote on the day after my call with her in which she had asked about my release from the project. I read them again, and again, and again, till I reached the bus stand. I kept that paper safe in my wallet. I got down from the auto, paid him, and walked in.

As I walked, the lines played in my mind again and again, “She rejected my proposal. Still I live, not because I have a hope that she will come back to me at some point of time, but because I'm filled with her memories, indelible memories.”

***